As I click the post button all that self-doubt comes closing
in. I have to constantly remind myself that as long as I’m happy with my
content then nothing else should matter. BUT IT DOES!
So yea, just wanted to share that and also say hello!
I have a couple more hours of homework left ahead of me but I
won’t stress out too much. Yesterday was an exhausting day mentally for me, I won’t
get into the nitty gritty but let’s just say 'it’s got to get worse before it
gets better'. There wasn’t much I could manage to do yesterday but we’re back
on both feet and even slurping some noodles! Let us see where the week takes
us, hopefully it’s somewhere good. I think it’s great that all the negativity
was amassed and contained to Saturday because now I can start this week with a
bright smile and all the joy I can muster. We’re going to be positive and
productive, ooh yea!!
Share you’re positive thoughts in the comments and maybe
some tips and tricks on staying motivated. Also, do you too suffer from
blogging anxiety? Let me know.
Thank you for being so simple to write. You remind me time
and again that every poet is a liar. It’s so easy to feel that rosy tinge emerge
from within your sternum and color the rest of your day. I wonder what will happen when I do. Fall in
love that is. Will the words all form the same? So I might be a liar, but I can
assure you that there are truths hidden behind each vowel.
I’d like to thank you for helping me feel more at ease. For
warming up my fingertips and slightly scalding my tongue. You don’t taste too
great on your own, but a little lime and sugar usually does the trick. I miss
coffee, I really do. But Tea, you’re aiding in the transition and simultaneously causing me to feel a wee bit British. I’d hate
to see you go, so I think I might stock up on more. Maybe hoard you in the cupboard.
Thank you tea, for bringing a little peace into my chaotic days.
Ps: I accidentally dyed all my white towels blue today. True
I’ve been having a difficult time
collecting my thoughts for this post. I want to recount my current struggles
with my mental health as well as therapy. It is something personal that I am
choosing to share because I see it as being important. I am a human being with
a mental disorder and others who come across this blog may have experienced something
similar. It’s also a good way to document my experience for the future and to
gather my thoughts. I find it a true challenge to speak fully and wholeheartedly
with my therapist. I just get nervous and forget, words caught in my mouth. So
having a little summary of my progress may prove to be helpful.
I have always struggled with
anxiety. It’s this intense fear that washes over me as if the world will
suddenly be sucked into a black hole. My heart beats rapidly and my skin goes
numb. Breathing becomes difficult and all I want to do is roll up into a little
ball and cry. My therapist compared the bodily response of a panic attack with exercise.
So let’s say you just had an amazing cardio workout, you’re sweating, your
heart is racing and your breaths are hard and shallow. That’s exactly how it
feels, minus the endorphins. Now this happens most severely any time I have to
do something important. This may entail going to class, taking an exam or attending a meeting. My anxiety stems from an
extreme fear of failure and of the unknown. Not knowing exactly how things will
play out leaves room for mistake. Somewhere inside, my brain in wired to think
this way. I need to know what’s going to happen so that I can do it well and
not fail. Even a slight stutter, or a wrong answer, feels like the end of the
world. Suddenly, I’m not good enough! I bully myself and say things like "I’m so stupid, what
an idiot,etc...” Imagine being criticized this way
every single day. If my internal monologue was an actual person, I would never
be their friend. So the first step is to
realize that I am by no means unique. If a friend scored badly on an exam, I would
never assume that they are monstrous human beings. So they did bad, who cares,
study for the next one! Why would I treat myself any different? The next step
is to be mindful. To become aware of all the times I place this immense pressure on myself. It sounds a lot easier that it actually is. When you’ve treated yourself this way your
entire life, it’s hard to even realize you’re doing it! The last bit of advice, given to me by my therapist, is to find time to center myself and just breathe. A few moments of calm can help click that reset button. Make deep breathing a habit and pair those 5 to 10 minutes with a word or a positive thought.Tell yourself, this is how my day will pan out. I will be positive, relax.
Now unto the most recent addition
to my mental health status, and that is a paralyzing fear of death. One which
led to a week full of sobs and depression. I have these obsessive thoughts that
linger around and pop in throughout the day. Anything can trigger it, even just
seeing someone out and about, I get a sudden
pang. How long do they have left? He’s so old are his parents dead? What if I die?
I don’t want my parents to die! One day I may be old and alone, everyone I love
will be dead! etc… This fear of being mortal and not knowing how long we have
left. To know that everyone you love is also mortal and can die, in an instant,
just like that. It’s fucking scary. And living in this huge cloud of negativity
has been the most terrifying thing I have ever had to live through. I can’t concentrate
and have a difficult time falling asleep.Sometimes I feel useless and think to
myself “what’s the point?” Othertimes, I find myself stuck in
this awful horror film that just won’t end. Having these pervasive thoughts in conjunction
with my anxiety have been extremely exhausting. The only step I’ve taken thus
far to improve in this respect, is to accept the thought. Realize it is there, and
let the thought go. Think of it as a thing outside of yourself, a word amongst other words that you can read if you’d like or skip. But it’s much easier said than done.
So that’s that. Those are things
happening inside my head. Those are the things I’m trying to cope with and am
getting help with. My apologies if this post was long and senseless but writing
things down makes what’s happening more concrete. It allows me to feel more in
control, if I can write about it, then I can change it. I hope it gave more
insight into what I’m dealing with and I hope to see you soon with another post!
Hopefully a more fun one. I hope you guys have a great night!